Did I Exist?

In a fleeting moment of perfect sanity and clarity I find myself wondering if I even existed before the birth of my son, Evan. Even though it's only been 5 1/2 months since his birth I struggle to remember what my world was like before I affectionately renamed it "Evan's World". Albeit vague, it seems that I remember a bit of what it was like to complete a task...be it reading a book, cooking a meal, completing a thought, or even finishing a sentence. Sleep is a thing of the past. I spend my nighttime hours jerking awake checking on Sprout to make sure he's okay and still breathing. Absurd, I know, maybe even a bit pathetic, but I read the info about SIDS and have been a nervous wreck since that time. Does he have what he needs? Is he warm enough? Is he too warm? These are the things that my mind focuses on as I traverse with one eye open the obstacle course of swings, exersaucers, strollers, etc. through what used to be my den only to find that HE is sleeping soundly and even smiling a bit. Perhaps he senses that I'm constantly on guard, protecting him from things that go bump in the night and the monsters that live in his closet and under his crib. I let out a relieved sigh as I struggle back through the same obstacle course to my bed in what has become a ritualistic, vain attempt to recapture the elusive sleep that I've been seeking. My "mommy sense" is in hyper-drive and I'm not sure how to slow it down. To look into those big blue eyes and feel my heart melt for the millionth time at the look of total trust and the purest love that ever existed assures me that I am doing things right in my little Sprout's mind. It's an unmatched feeling; all-consuming and overwhelming at the same time. Will I teach him properly? Will he know how to make his way in this world? I can only give him the best I have to offer and hope that is enough. The list of concerns continues to grow daily. In a sense, Evan and I are growing up together. Learning from each other. I want to teach him all that I know, anything that may make his life easier. He's teaching me that until he came along I had no idea the depth of love and emotion that can be brought forth from a human soul. We are both teaching and learning; giving and taking from each other. My heart already aches in anticipation of the day that I've taught him all that I can and I have to let him become the man he is destined to be and learn on his own. This is the way of the world and the way things must be I know. So, back to the original question. Did I exist before Evan? I did. But I don't think I lived until the day he took his first breath.